Menopausal Tourette Syndrome

It's been a long time. I have been complaining that my time has not been my own lately. Every weekend has been taken up with doing stuff for other people. Even when I thought I was going to have my day off this past Friday, it turns out that I ended up with a new case and spent 3 hours on the computer, working from home...longer, actually, counting the time I worked OFF the computer.

So I have decided I have "Menopausal Tourettes." I'll explain. Friends of mine, who are ahead of me in the process of life, have warned me of what to expect. They tell me: "Oh, just you wait for the hot flashes (or power surges as one friend says)." Another says "You're going to LOVE the night sweats" (said with acidic sarcasm). Your hair will fall out (my hair is fine, thank you very much). Your skin will dry up (I am grateful for good moisturizers). You'll gain weight, they say (I weigh the same as I have for three years now, and I would STILL like to lose 30 pounds). But no one, absolutely NO ONE, told me about this problem of what I call "Menopausal Tourette Syndrome."

A week ago, I was at a board meeting...it was just a needlepoint guild board meeting, for goodness sake. Nothing of mind boggling importance. Just a needlepoint board meeting. Needlepoint, get it? Until May, I am Secretary (I have held other positions on the board as well). At this meeting, for some reason, every item we talked about caused major contentious discussions among us. It was ridiculous. Very annoying. I was exhausted. Finally, as people left, we were down to three of us, including the president (a friend), at whose house we were meeting. We started discussing some issue, and one thing led to another and I was trying to make a point and the president kept interrupting me, and finally she said: "No more discussion. I've decided the issue and what I say goes" (or something to that effect).

Now, I'm usually a very calm, easy-going person, with lots of patience. But that response made me see red. I rage inside when people talk over me or refuse to allow me to finish a thought. I looked at her and said calmly (but not easy-goingly): "F... You." Nothing more. Menopausal Tourettes. I was actually quite mortified! Where the F did that come from!!! But she stood up and pointed at the door and said: "Leave this house!" At which point, I stood up and put everything in my bag to leave. "I don't like that language," she says. Now, do I simply apologize to her for using offensive language? No. Of course not. Instead, I say, "It's just a F-ing word." Oops. Before she can say anything, my other friend says..."sit down, both of you." "No," I say, "the hostess has asked me to leave, as is her right. I'm leaving." Eventually, everyone calms down and we end up sitting at the table, finishing the discussion. I was physically and mentally drained. The nice thing about this friend is that she is very forgiving and when we were finished with the meeting I looked at her and grinned and said "Now, may I give you a hug?" She laughed, we hugged and all was good. That was about 10 days ago. Tonight I saw her and you'd never guess anything had happened.

What I really love is this: as I said, I was mortified by my outburst, and I didn't want to tell my husband what I had said to her. I felt so ashamed! That lasted about an hour after I got home. Then I told him. Sheepishly. What do you think he did? He burst out laughing and said "I'm surprised it's taken you this long!" He freakin' laughed! I was very surprised by that response. So, later, I told my Elusive Offspring (who was home on break until this past Saturday) and his friend. Do you know what their response was? They burst out laughing. What is it about men, I wondered, that they burst out laughing at the idea of my saying "F you" to someone. Well, they say, it's funny to them because men always do that to each other. Do you know, I think that's true. The other funny thing to them is: "it's the last thing I expected you to tell us that you said."

But see? I've always had this reputation as a gracious southern lady, always saying nice things to people, never showing annoyance or frustration. I've always been the mediator, bringing people together. But now what? Menopausal tourettes. Dragon lady with flaming red hair. Oh, the shame of it all!